Understanding Age-Gap Relationships: Is There Always Grooming Involved?

“You only live once. Enjoy this moment, savor it; this is all very natural,” whispers a highly educated 32-year-old man with his firm, masculine hands all over a timid, quivering 17-year-old trying to stop herself from crying and screaming out loud.

As traumatizing as it sounds, a younger, (relatively more) vulnerable victim would take much longer to realize what has actually happened to them. The mental toll would take place much later in life, probably when it’s too late to recover or redeem any of that, or to blame. If some of our readers are still unsure about what grooming is, grooming happens when a person builds a connection of trust and emotional connection with a child or a younger person, particularly in a vulnerable position, to make them dependent, isolated, and safe to exploit, especially sexually. The societal perception of age-gap relationships varies across cultures due to factors such as partner availability, gender roles, traditions, and the evolution of mating strategies. Therefore, the societal stigma attached to age-gap relations can very much overshadow individual experiences.

Bangladesh has a long tradition of early marriages; it’s horrifying how even in 2024, 40.9 percent of women were found to have been married before turning 18. Most men in these marriages, however, tend to be a decade or two older than them, making the women very susceptible to vulnerability and exploitation.

The significant age gap in these marriages can create a physical and financial power imbalance, making younger wives more vulnerable to exploitation. Cultural norms and societal pressures can further contribute to this vulnerability, leading to potential violations of consent. In a lot of cases in this scenario, they are ignorant and unfortified as to where to find shelter and ask for help. Addressing this requires raising awareness, strengthening legal frameworks, and providing support services.

While reading this, I think we all can think of ample examples surrounding us.

Our neighbor in the country house in his 40s, married once, remarried another girl aged 14. I had a one-on-one meeting with her; she sat down breathless, still not being very familiar with her 6-month baby bump. She stared at me, agitated, saying she was completely oblivious to the arrangement and had no desire for marriage.

One day her education abruptly stopped, and she had no option but to accept her fate.

Well, till now, we have primarily talked about the lower-middle-class families of a developing nation. Before we sign this phenomenon off to religion, culture, lack of education, or poverty, it might help to take a look at our very own Titanic protagonist, whom we drooled over regardless of our gender, Leonardo DiCaprio. 49-year-old Leo could theoretically have any woman he wants, yet he refuses to date anyone above 25, leading to a hail of internet memes. It personally saddens my heart as I’m almost reaching that age, breaking my fantasy bubble that I may not end up dating him at all (as if there ever were a huge possibility). While there is no problem in a relationship between consenting adults, the pattern frightens me as to why he felt such trepidation to form a relationship with an older, more mature woman.

The classic movie on age-gap relationships on top of my head is Cheeni Kum, where we always laughed at the inevitable dad joke, Buddhadev being 64 years old and a father-like figure to 34-year-old Nina, whose on-screen father was 56 years old. We watched them effortlessly fall in love and patiently fight for Nina’s father’s approval for their marriage.

While we cannot just nullify the possibility of an Oedipus complex between the two, the mutual consent and maturity levels of these two individuals, rather than their chronological age, were the main focus of the movie. At the end of the day, open communication, mutual respect, and shared values are much more attractive than any materialistic label like age. Makes one wonder—is there even an ideal age gap in a romantic endeavor?

A victim of grooming can fall in love with the groomer themselves too, which makes this issue even more gray in real life. The power imbalances in an abusive relationship can result in such Stockholm syndrome. In the movie Highway, Veera’s complex infatuation with her kidnapper can stem from her childhood trauma of abuse and shared values with Mahabir. This bubble of newfound freedom, considerable age difference, not wanting to acknowledge herself as a victim anymore, and admiration from an undefended position led her to be captivated, both literally and figuratively, by Mahabir.

In all truth, age-gap gaps don’t necessarily result in power imbalances. Power dynamics, financial dependence, unequal social status, and emotional manipulation are the key factors to blame for a fertile ground of grooming. My personal experience with a friend delineated how she always preferred men in her dating life to be at least 15 years older than her because she was fascinated by their higher intellectual maturity, understanding, and respect than the boys of her age. In her words, the experiences with the older men were too good to be true—mental peace and stability over the immature tantrums and frenzy.

As far as we have discussed, we have only seen men older than women. The opposite, honestly, though comparatively rarer to see, can also be a source of a groomed or successful relationship.

When Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas got into a wedlock, most liberals said that age is just a number in love, that shaming age is ageism, and we should refrain from making vilifying remarks, which of course didn’t stop Kamlesh in India from making ‘hilarious’ online slanders.