How often do we hear the terms “toxic relationship” or “abusive partner” ?
Unfortunately, the answer is more often than we’d like. It’s as if every day we hear more and more about abusive relationships and the numbers agree. A survey conducted by Forbes showed that on average 80% of Americans have experienced emotional abuse in a current or past relationship. But when physical aggression comes into the equation, the stats become alarming.
Studies by the US National Domestic Violence Hotline revealed that abuse by an intimate partner affects more than 12 million people every year in the US alone. The study further claimed that 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) experienced sexual assault, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. In terms of emotional abuse, the stats showed that almost half the women and men experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively)- with the majority of the victims being women between the ages of 18 and 24. Sadly, these numbers don’t even account for the rest of the world, where most cases of abuse in relationships go unreported.
What is A Toxic Relationship?
HealthScope magazine defined toxic relationships as “relationships characterized by behaviors on the part of one/ both partners that are emotionally and often, physically damaging to their partner”. Unlike a healthy relationship, an abusive relationship revolves around insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance and manipulative control. Every relationship requires two individuals and in toxic relationships one/ both partners of any gender may be the abuser and the victim is someone unable to leave the relationship for any reason.
How to tell if a relationship is toxic?
The signs and their extent may vary, but some of the usual red flags of an abusive partner include:
- Manipulative and controlling behavior
- Keeping “score” of past altercations to reinforce guilt
- Tendency for causing physical harm in fits of rage.
- Holding the relationship hostage with frequent threats of leaving the victim
- Gaslighting victim’s claims to make them question the reality of the abuse
- Irrational jealousy
- Insulting or belittling the victim to lower their self- esteem
- Need for constant contact and attention
- Prioritizing own interests above the partner’s
- Blame shifting or ignoring blame completely
- Insecurity, distrust and accusing the victim of disloyalty
So, being on the lookout for these signs should be enough to save us from toxic relationships, right? That is easier said than done, since most victims are groomed for abuse at the very beginning of the relationship when it’s all sunshine and rainbows. When the actual abuse starts most victims tend to be in denial- often defending or trying to explain away the abuse. But they can’t be blamed, since identifying an abuser is often like looking for a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Why does bad look so good?
“I don’t believe someone that nice could be an abuser” is often the belief held by friends and family about people accused of being abusive. The reason is simple, abusers aren’t abusive to everyone, rather they are only abusive to a partner who can be dominated.
Abusers are good at leading double-lives. The façade helps build a case against any complaints of abuse as well as drawing in potential partners during the initial “honeymoon phase” of the relationship.
According to Lenore E. Walker’s Cycle of Abuse theory (1979), abusive behaviors follow a cycle. At the very beginning, an abuser “auditions” for the role by posing as the perfect partner to swiftly earn the victim’s trust. At this stage the abuser showers their partner with attention, affection or gifts- creating pleasant memories that develop emotional attachment and an anchoring effect in the victims. By the end of this phase, the victim’s mental defenses are lowered, creating in them an emotional dependency for the abuser.
After that when the abusive phase slowly unfolds, the victim who has already been unconsciously groomed for the abuse may be in denial, or even be too hung up on the initial highs of the relationship to fully realize the abuse. This phase often ends with the victim being manipulated into blaming themselves for the turbulent relationship. Finally, during the last phase the abuser apologizes and makes false promises of changing themselves- which further grooms the victim for future abuse as the cycle repeats.
Why do we keep falling for it?
So why do more and more people keep getting into these abusive relationships and why don’t they leave? The victim, the abuser, and surprisingly even the society and media all play a role in the rise of toxic relationships:
- Negative conditioning by society and media: Movies, TV, books and even society itself conditions people to see relationships in a heavily romanticized light. Often toxic behaviors, for example jealousy, are justified as “signs of love”. But the worst thing is that people are conditioned to think that happiness or even success in life are connected to being in a relationship. As a result, people today are afraid of being alone, subconsciously pressurized into looking for love, hold wrong ideas about ideal partners and more often than not running head first into toxic relationships.
- False expectations and misconceptions about love: As a follow-up to the negative social conditioning, people are more in love with just the idea of romance than the rationality in it. As a result, they often don’t ensure their relationships have the 3 signs of a healthy partnership- respect, trust and affection. So even if a relationship lacks any of the three, people overlook it “for the sake of love”. They try to adjust themselves to the toxicity in fear of not finding anyone else which slowly erodes their mentality to walk out on an abuser.
- Psychology of abusers and victims: In today’s world insecurity runs in almost everyone’s veins. Some cope with the insecurity by developing narcissist tendencies or dominating others. Again in others, unresolved insecurities evolve into self-esteem issues and inferiority complex. It is easy to see which group becomes prime targets for which. And so the cycle of toxic relationships continue between abusers and victims.
Rising abuse in the pandemic
The New York Times reported that there has been a worldwide rise in abuse by intimate partners during the COVID-19 crisis. The claim is supported by findings from the WHO that reported a 60 percent increase in women reporting emergency domestic abuse situations since April 2020. With the added stress of the pandemic, as counts of abusive relationships rise, it is important to know how one can leave such relationships.
How to escape the nightmare?
First and foremost it’s important to focus on the self. Taking some time to pursue hobbies and building new skills boosts self esteem and self worth. It builds resistance against manipulative and controlling behaviors of an abuser. Before confronting abusive partners, the victim must make themselves understand that good times of the past can never justify abuse in the present or the future. Focusing on nurturing bonds with family & friends can help in the rehabilitation of abuse victims to a life beyond the toxic relationship. Regularly communicating with loved ones also provides much needed emotional support, and encouragement to seek out legal aid if necessary. Most importantly, everyone should have the mindset to not tolerate abuse, to put their well-being first and to walk away from an abusive partner no matter the cost. Lastly, contrary to our social conditioning, being okay with not being in a relationship helps nurture self-love as well as the patience to know people well before rushing into commitments. Love can take time, but the opportunity for personal growth during the wait is worth it.
