In today’s day and age, women are slowly learning to be confident, to set boundaries – instead of compromising all the time – not settling for less and being vocal about what they’re not okay with. As is with anything that involves women, of course it has to be over-complicated with many layers to misinterpretations. In recent years, toxic feminism, which is just as bad as toxic masculinity, has become a thing. However, there are times when people (men in particular) will simply tag anything they personally do not agree with, as ‘toxic feminism’. By anything I mean something as simple as a woman saying ‘no’ to a date or refusing to budge during an argument. This makes me question, is self-respect being labeled as toxic feminism too because it’s nearly unimaginable that a woman would want to retain her self-respect and might even have firm, unshakable opinions?
Before we dive into this question, let’s talk about what toxic feminism actually is.
Toxic feminism is essentially a kind of extreme feminism where it’s harmful for all genders. It is distinguished by an emphasis on disparaging characterization of men, which can result in prejudice and violence against men. Toxic feminists might manipulate their victims by abusing their emotions, and make them believe that they’re in the wrong for doing/saying something. For example, we’ve seen videos on Instagram and TikTok where a man standing next to a woman in the gym is categorized as an invasion of space or the man being ‘creepy’. This kind of feminism puts men in a situation where they’re constantly walking on eggshells around women, and aggressively monitoring themselves. This isn’t to say that I’m someone who preaches the ‘not all men’ argument nor do I think women should let down their guards completely. Of course and unfortunately, we females always need to have an eye out and be aware of our surroundings, and speak up when something does happen.
However, entering a space with the predisposed assumption that some guy will do something wrong, constantly looking for situations where you can call someone out for breathing the same air as you is harmful and toxic. It not only gives the entire feminist movement a bad reputation but people are also less likely to take women seriously when they are facing life-threatening danger, sexist and/or abusive situations.
Toxic feminists are also one of the reasons why self-respect is often perceived as toxic feminism, and women are further shamed for having boundaries and different opinions.
Imagine if a man was having a normal conversation with a girl in a classroom, and later that day the girl tells everyone how he was hitting on her and making her uncomfortable. The guy might be in the dark about what he said to make her uncomfortable and the reasonable thing to do is to communicate the discomfort with the guy, instead of condemning them to cancel culture. This scenario of “calling them out” does two things; 1. It reinforces a stereotype about men and some men might become extra cautious about interacting with women and 2. If a man next does something to indeed make a girl uncomfortable, it’s likely that people might not believe her and it could be categorized as another case of toxic feminism. This is a very simplified example but you get what I mean- “the boy who cried lion”.
Toxic feminism relies on victimization with the exclusion of criticism, adverse portrayals of men, and prejudice.
This can happen when people, who hold alternative beliefs or do not fit into specific gender or identity categories, are prohibited from taking part in feminism-related conversations or activities. It also silences women. A mother who might want to stay at home with her children is typically vilified for adhering to ‘the patriarchy,’ and may encounter rejection or derision from some members of the movement, which can result in emotions of humiliation, perplexity, or isolation. At its core, that’s not what feminism is.
To simplify, feminism is to let women exist as human beings. Not as lesser human beings, not as weaker individuals, not as people who are too emotional to be in leadership roles, or being limited to the role of caretaker. Not as people who need to carry self-defense weapons and not as people who can be blamed for their own abuse.
Toxic feminism can further encourage prejudice towards specific demographics, including men, individuals who do not identify as cis women, and even other women who disagree with the feminist philosophy.
This happens when feminist ideals are exaggerated and spread the notion that all men are fundamentally tyrannical or inferior to women. Thinking along these lines can contribute to a culture of hostility and divisiveness, which is detrimental to both individuals and the larger movement for gender equality. It’s important to remember that the fight is against patriarchy and male-centered norms; the fight is for reducing the imbalance of power dynamics that is so gendered. The fight isn’t against men and it surely isn’t against women who might want to be housewives or against individuals who identify as women.
Now, self-respect is when you have pride and confidence in yourself. You respect yourself enough to not make compromises at the cost of your comfort and mental sanity, to not let any individual tell you otherwise, and most importantly, it’s the highest peak of self-love. Self-respect is different for everyone. For me, it’s about being self-sufficient and confident in my emotions. If someone hurts me or says something offensive to me, I’m likely to call it out. I’m also willing to acknowledge when I’m out of place and apologize.
If in the process of me voicing my discomfort, I say things a little too straightforward- I refuse to budge about what bothered me, refuse to forget that anything ever happened, or even acknowledge that both parties (including myself) got a little out of hand instead of apologizing, does that make me a toxic feminist? It’s quite a fine line.
Apologizing and letting things go is a good way to resolve conflicts, but what if I feel like I’m not being heard and that my emotions aren’t being taken seriously? Should I apologize for your lack of emotional intelligence? Does this make one a toxic feminist?
Let’s simplify this a bit more. Toxic feminism is more than your girlfriend or date expecting you to pay for the entire date, that’s chivalry which is another topic for another day. It’s not toxic when your female friend, who you consider to be one of the boys, refuses to be part of your locker room talk or goes as far as to shut the conversations down. It’s not toxic feminism when your female partner has boundaries, and if you can’t see that your female partner is retaining her self-respect when she expresses extreme distaste with you hanging out with another female who you’ve had a flirty relationship with, then (and I’m not sorry to say this) you cannot simple label this as ‘toxic feminism’. It’s also not toxic feminism when your female partner refuses to apologize or tone down her emotions when she’s bothered, not when your sister refuses to do your chores and pick up after you, and certainly not when a girl keeps asking the question, “If not all men, then which ones?”
To end this piece, here’s a message to all men including the advocates for the not-all-men movement:
Not everything a woman does, especially when it’s something you don’t understand or appreciate, is in correlation with toxic feminism. Some, if not majority of women, are just learning to be strong-willed and establish boundaries, to not cater to what is societally expected of her and to cater to everyone else but herself. You can actually tell which women might be a little problematic in their perception of men because it tends to be very in your face. For you men, we really don’t know which ones are the good ones and it’s nearly impossible to tell. Maybe it’s because the male species has historically had more experience in being problematic and deceptive, in taking advantage of the power patriarchy gives them, and just having things their way. So, just as you say, “not all men”, I say, “not always toxic feminism”.