A couple of days back I was talking to a friend’s biological younger sister, who now identifies as my friend’s younger brother. When the topic of gender identity and pronouns came up, a lot of sensitive issues latched onto the conversation. It became very clear very quickly that identifying with the right pronouns despite one’s sex and having people acknowledge that in practice are more impactful acts than one might consider.
Before we go into this matter, let’s understand how sex and gender differ, and how these two elements relate to pronouns.
Sex is determined by birth – male or female. Gender is how society molds you as male or female. The popular feminist saying, “Gender is a social construct” is based on the idea that a social construct is something that exists not in objective reality, but because of human interaction. For gender, it exists for an array of reasons which include gender politics, power dynamics, morality etc. For now, we will stick to the understanding that gender exists so that tasks can be delegated according to one’s biological design which maintains order in society. Pronouns, a mandatory part of communication, have been traditionally based on a person’s appearance and name, which is oftentimes determined by their biological sex, not their socially constructed gender.
When talking about someone, using pronouns is the same as using their name; some individuals take great pride in it. Some people prefer being addressed by their first name and some their middle name, while others prefer a nickname. People establish space for themselves and their identities when they ask you to refer to them in a particular way. Similarly, how someone identifies with pronouns affects how they are seen. For ages, we have been socialized to assume gender based on appearances, which can send out negative messages.
In reality, using the right pronouns is an adjustment and a small gesture that can make a significant impact on one person.
Our binary society has made gender and linguistics associations for a very long time. This association has always embodied their birth sex. In English, consciously or unconsciously, people routinely use pronouns when speaking about one another. When speaking in the third person of a singular person, the pronouns used to address them have an implied gender, such as “he” for a man/boy or “she” for a woman/girl. However, these associations are not always true. Making these assumptions, even if they turn out to be correct, could convey a potentially detrimental message: that people must look a certain way to show what gender they are or are not.
Some might question and even be convinced that the sensitivity surrounding the correctness of pronouns is uncalled for. Yes, there is a lot of unlearning to do here but a new generation of inclusive thinkers and the Internet, both agree that pronouns are important. There are multiple articles, essays, and full-fledged Facebook commenting wars discussing the importance of pronouns.
Despite the confusion and doubts, and question why anyone would identify with a pronoun that does not align with their birth sex, let’s be clear on thing; Pronouns are important and are a method for us to identify with the world.
This linguistic label follows us around for the rest of our lives. They are personal, and utilizing them right demonstrates respect for the individual with whom we are conversing.
So, why are pronouns important?
Other than respect and inclusiveness, pronouns have a lot to do with gender expression. According to nonprofit organization GLAAD, gender expression entails the “external manifestations of gender, expressed through a person’s name, pronouns, clothing, haircut, behavior, voice, and/or body characteristics.” One of the key reasons why pronouns are so important is that, aside from our name, they are one of the most common methods for people to recognize and address us.
Imagine a scenario. Your entire life you have gone by your nickname Penny, the modified version of Penelope. Your parents, siblings, teachers, cousins, and best friends have all always called you ‘Penny’. In fact, when someone asks you your name, you answer with ‘Penny.’ Simply put, you identify with the name ‘Penny’. Now, if one of your friends suddenly decides to call you Penelope you might say, “Oh, I don’t go by Penelope. I prefer Penny.” Despite that, your friend insists on calling you Penelope because they find it more comfortable. How would that make you feel? Probably not so great. You would probably feel uncomfortable because ‘Penelope’ is not the name you identify with, you might even feel a little disrespected. Well, it is the same with misusing pronouns and misgendering someone.
Just like usig a person’s name can be a way to respect them, using their right personal pronouns can be a sign of respect towards them and promote an inclusive environment. It can be offensive to guess someone’s pronouns and refer to them using pronouns they do not identify with, just as it can be offensive to make up a nickname for someone and call them that nickname against their will. Worse, consciously choosing to reject someone’s declared pronouns could convey the repressive notion that intersex, transgender, nonbinary, and gender-nonconforming people do not exist or should not exist.
You Decide Your Pronouns
My friend’s younger brother argues that just because he was born female and looks female, does not mean he identifies with femininity and with being female. He feels more comfortable being addressed with ‘he/him’ pronouns and that is a decision he made on his own after personal reflection about his identity and being.
The pronouns we use connect us to our world shapes our worldview and are crucial components of our identity, making it so personal.
According to activist and performer Leah Juliett, “In my opinion, gender is a universe. It is a broad spectrum of planets, and stars, and sky that truly cannot be contained into a binary [or just male and female].”
As a result, when someone identifies with a pronoun, they are identifying with a little part of the larger world. By using those pronouns correctly, we validate their existence and identity, and show respect to them as individuals.
It’s An Adjustment!
My friend’s younger brother has a hard time understanding that his pronouns and gender expression is an adjustment for her support system. With every mistake or ridicule he faces, a sense of rage and not being seen sets in. Although he is confident in his identity, he still questions and struggles with why people refuse to see him as he is, and not how they would like to. To him, he is not asking for much which in reality, is true.
However, breaking gender-linguistic associations which have become a natural part of our social communication is not easy. For those of us, trying to support our friends and family who are breaking these norms and associations, practice makes perfect. It starts with consciously addressing them with their preferred pronouns. The more times you use your friend’s pronouns correctly, the easier it will become in the future and more naturally you will address them as such. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, apologize as soon as possible and move on. They, like my friend’s brother, might not want to hear your explanation or your apology. They might be hurt because of your mistake and might want to cut you off. However, keep in mind that they are human beings like us and are entitled to their own autonomy to socialize with whomever they want. But, if you want to be supportive and truly make a chance for inclusion, hold yourself accountable. Acknowledge your mistake, apologize and move on. Instead of profusely apologizing and making it unpleasant, just make sure you get the pronouns correct the next time.
Misgendering someone is quite damaging for the individual. It gradually builds up and tends to affect other spheres of life. Change takes time. Consciously making these changes to build an inclusive and respectful environment is important to mold a society where individuals across the spectrum do not feel threatened or isolated.
As my friend’s younger brother said, “I just want to be seen for myself and feel like I belong.”