Top of my semi-urban school, I was presumed to be what they call a gifted child; the ones with higher than average IQ (though in my case it was mostly memorisation skills and a knack for math). Scoring a GPA-5 in all board exams further cemented that thought in my parents. They were proud of me to the point that at every family gathering I was the cousin everyone secretly hated because my parents couldn’t stop boasting about my academic achievements. Even the neighbors weren’t safe. I was the kid next door your mom couldn’t stop comparing you to.
But being at the top of your class comes at a price.
You spend your whole day running from one coaching to the other, barely having any time to make friends. You spend the entirety of your tiffin period memorizing formulas, while your classmates bond over playing hide and seek. But I never complained because I was content with being the textbook golden kid. Sure I craved social connections and struggle at socialization to this day because of my underdeveloped social skills, but you can’t have everything, right?
My parents’ overconfidence in me might have also worked as a self-fulfilling prophecy where the more they made me believe that I am extraordinary, the further I pushed myself. But eventually, that luck ran out and I found myself stumbling through the corridors of my university.
Since my childhood, I was told that I was destined to be a doctor. And for a long period of time, I also believed that to be my purpose. But as soon as I got into college, I realized that I actually had no desire or passion to be a doctor. So, I took my first step outside the path my parents had set me on. I dared to aim for Dhaka University instead of preparing for the medical admission test. This was an ambitious step in its own; however it was one I was daring to take. At first, my parents were confused because they always planned that one of their children will be a doctor and the other will be an engineer. Having that dream uprooted, they didn’t know what to do. However, they were kind of reassured when I told them I want to prepare for Dhaka University. They decided that being able to brag about how their child studies at one of the most prestigious universities of the country would be good enough for them for now. However they did try to persuade me into sitting for the BCS exam, something I said I will think about in future. For the time being, I concentrated all my energy into securing a seat at University of Dhaka.
Getting into my dream university was nothing less than a dream come true.
My parents were still over the moon. Their golden child proved herself once again and now they can tell everyone that their daughter studies at the country’s top university. But only if they knew about the nosedive her CGPA took over the semesters.
Before I delve into more, I must say that I have a bunch of great classmates. Maybe a little too great. Because when I started classes with them, I realized that I am nowhere near them intellectually. I cannot solve a complex math problem in the blink of an eye or answer the questions about complex socio-political issues. I realized that most of my knowledge from NCTB days was surface level. Sure I got A+ in math, but that’s only because I practiced them so many times that I knew them by heart. Since I used to spend all my time memorizing my textbooks, I found that I am barely aware of the world around me. As a former gifted kid, this wrecked me because I never learned how to be mediocre at something.
The more I realized that I am not “special”, the further I sinked into a sinkhole of academic depression, and the lower my CGPA went. As time passed by, courses that required more than memorization skills proved to be a challenge I wasn’t even slightly prepared for. As a result, I found myself being mediocre at one subject after another.
After academics didn’t give me the ego-boast I so desperately needed, I tried my luck at extracurricular activities. From clubs to competitions, I tried almost everything. And yet, neither of those gave me the (self) validation I seeked. Because I never developed proper people skills, I soon found out that I was not cut for clubs, which require a great deal of excellent communication skills. Neither did I win competitions, because for those I needed real world knowledge, something I forgot to acquire during my journey as roll number1.
Truth be told, being labeled as a gifted kid did me more harm than good.
The temporary praise I received from my surroundings actually prevented my parents from realizing that their kid was lacking necessary social skills; skills that one develops at an early age and are usually harder to master as an adult. While these skills aren’t the only thing that helps you succeed in life, these do give you a headstart in life.
As I keep struggling with this newfound mediocrity of mine, I think it was also a necessary learning point for me. Sooner or later, I was bound to find out that not everyone is destined for greatness in life. Some of us were sent to planet earth to live a normal life, and die without having their names written in stars. And that’s completely fine. We tend to glorify extraordinary so much that we forget how the majority of our population are, in fact, ordinary. However, that has never stopped them from finding their own version of happiness. And I hope one day I will find mine too.
However, one thing I must mention is that I have no grudge against my academically or career-wise successful friends. I am happy for them and proud to call them my friends. The one thing I do have a grudge against is the environment I was raised in.
The thing is, my parents aren’t the only one to be blamed for my inadequate upbringing. Our schools and curriculum are designed in a way that lacks the ability to nurture soft skills in our students, and so do the teachers. I can count the number of passionate and empathetic teachers I have had over the years with my fingers, all in one hand. Even rarer were teachers who knew how to “teach” creative writing, the format NCTB haphazardly introduced to a workforce of teachers that had no idea about how these “creative questions” should be answered which resulted in more memorialization by the students but this time with added catchphrases about the importance of the stem provided in the question.
Since I left school, the education ministry has decided to introduce a new and improved curriculum. But without proper training of the teachers, I am skeptical about the effectiveness of these changes.
As for my own mediocrity, I am learning to embrace it.
I hope someday I will be able to say “I am mediocre and that’s okay.”