Faking emotional relationships and friendships with young children with the intention to exploit them is ‘Child Grooming’. The innocence of childhood is snatched off and the freedom of adulthood is stolen away for the victims of child grooming. In my humble opinion, this subject is not talked about enough and often gets overshadowed by other societal problems. Yet, it is still a very common occurrence in this world and these sick, old, insecure leech-like creeps keep on taking advantage of young children.
Recently, I stumbled upon a very disturbing 2017, Netflix documentary, Abducted in Plain Sight. It is a true-crime story about the abduction of a young girl by someone she considered a father figure, someone her parents considered their close friend. Here, the level of manipulation and mental cartwheels the abuser did execute his plans baffled me. But the most surprising yet disturbing part was how oblivious the adults were in this situation regarding the antics of the abductor/abuser. As a viewer, I could see how the abuser’s actions were obviously predatory but here come the horrors of grooming which made the victim and the parents turn so blind eye to the obvious red flags. The perpetrator here groomed the child as well as her parents for years and gained their trust.
Child grooming is a long process of manipulation. The groomer could be an older friend, a religious leader, a relative, teacher, neighbor, anybody that the child looks up to. Usually, the manipulation is sexually motivated. Young, vulnerable, impressionable children fall prey to these predators. It is often a game of power dynamic. The children feel this need to impress or please their groomer. It leads to various illicit businesses like continuous sexual abuse, child prostitution, child trafficking, production of child pornography, etc.
In some cases, the victims do not even realize the abuse up until they are much older. In other cases, the abuse may keep going on for a lifetime.
My sudden late discovery of the documentary led me to a rabbit-hole of documentaries and resources related to the topic. One of which was My Dark Vanessa the debut novel of Kate Elizabeth Russell. It was a national bestseller published in 2020. Describing the book as disturbing would be a very big understatement. It is one of the most compulsive yet so repulsive, alarming but very real stories I have read in a long time. It is written from the victim’s perspective. It jumps from past to present, back and forth, and follows the victim through the years of abuse and after.
It starts with the protagonist, Vanessa Wye, now an alcoholic in her thirties, getting defensive and trying to protect her perpetrator, her former boarding school English teacher, Mr. Strane, when another fellow victim of her abuser comes forward with their story while the ‘Me Too’ movement is going on. The novel is a very frustrating read as Vanessa keeps on defending her abuser and normalizing and downplaying her abuse. The sick and twisted 42-year-old, Strane targets a lonely, vulnerable 15-year-old Vanessa while she is away from family, in a place where he holds a lot of power over her. He repeatedly rapes her and forces himself upon her making false promises of love. The young Vanessa seems completely enamored by his claims. He keeps on manipulating her with his sweet little lies. At one point, when the students start to notice their odd interactions, he emotionally blackmails Vanessa into taking the blame and gets her suspended from the school. But by then she is already in it too deep. Their interactions continue up till Vanessa steps into her early twenties. Vanessa who now in the present sees a therapist keeps on fighting to prove that whatever happened between her and her abuser was completely consensual and out of love. At one point, she reveals that believing she wasn’t the victim, is her only coping mechanism. Meanwhile, amidst the ‘Me Too Movement, a much older Strane commits suicide but not before contacting Vanessa. This causes Vanessa to spiral even more. But with therapy and self-forgiveness, Vanessa finally recognizes that she was wronged by Strane, her parents, who knew about the abuse didn’t do much to help her, but most importantly the system which kept enabling the abuser. It was a tough read. I had a very eerie feeling and a weak stomach all throughout.
All of this gave me a reality check of how the victims get tangled in it so deep. As adults, it is our responsibility to look out for the young ones. Child grooming is more common than we think it is. Children should be taught why it is important to have friends their age and that the mental maturity of an average child can never match an average adult. Groomers should be held accountable for ruining lives. The topic should be talked about more often.