“A sunflower garden, that’s where I want to be!”
“What is wrong with this place?”he insisted.
I looked blankly at him. Who would consider those bare white walls peaceful? With a long sigh, I tried to calm myself down. I knew it really well, nothing could ever be compared with the sunflower gardens.
After a few silent moments, I could still feel him staring at me. It had become a routine: every week, he asked the same questions as if my answers were about to change!
With time, I had become too reluctant; I didn’t even feel the need to look at him. I stared at my book, pretending to read it. Before I could convince myself to reply, I heard his footsteps; he was leaving. Meanwhile, the room was filled with an overwhelmingly quiet atmosphere.
When I opened my eyes, I could no longer stay in bed. Quickly, I rushed to the windows and drew the curtain. The fresh air blew in from outside. Soon, I found myself running until I reached the fields. The sunflowers were at their best, blooming under the glowing sun. A bit of sunlight managed to brighten everything. In summer, the nature sparkled the most. I loved to think of myself gleaming under the sun. All my pain disappeared when I stood under the warm rays of the sun. I could feel the sunshine seeping through my skin, into my bones, making every part of my body gleam; just like a diamond!
“Good morning sleepyhead!”. He was back with a bouquet of bright, fresh sunflowers.
“Good morning.”, I mumbled, closing my book.
“So, do you still want to go?”
“Yes!”, I emphasized, “That is where I truly belong.”
“What is in the rays of the burning sun? People tend to avoid it anyway.”
The question managed to hurt me. If I had to trade my entire life to be out there, I still wouldn’t back out. I didn’t know why people wanted to avoid sunlight. I had spent my entire life believing I was a sunflower. Every time I touched the sunflowers, I felt at peace. Or I could say, I felt grounded. Hence, I used to act like a sunflower in the middle of all those flowers. To be honest, perhaps I never felt more alive! How could anyone snatch away my life from me?
Although the room was empty, I could feel an extreme chaos in that room. All the strings that were supposed to be held in perfect harmony, were tangled all over. The serenity was lost. I held those flowers in my hand but I couldn’t feel my soul. Suddenly, I felt so detached from myself, I no longer saw myself blooming like those flowers. I couldn’t see myself standing under the sun; I didn’t even know how the sunshine looked like!
“What is going on, Doctor?”
“The place you were talking about; do you know where that is?”
“Yes! Of course I do!”
“Have you ever been there?”
“Yes…”
“Are you sure?”
“No! But I want to!” I could feel tears flowing on my cheeks. It was so difficult to talk. The lump in my throat stopped me from saying another word. I wish I could actually bloom under the sun. I wish my whole family never lived in a part of the world where I couldn’t enjoy the sun. “I wish I wasn’t sick!”, I squealed as I burst out into tears.
“It must be tough. Being Xerodermatic, with the longing for the sun isn’t a good combo. I know you can’t be out in the fields but I will bring those sunflowers every week. I promise.”
At last, he left after bidding me goodbye. He never said the word again; however, I knew I was delusional. Even though I had lost touch with my reality, it didn’t feel bad imagining me as a country girl running through the fields. I would run for miles alone under the sun. Even though I hadn’t run miles literally, my doctor assured me I had grown. My condition never stopped me from being who I was. Wiping all my tears, I embraced myself with all my flaws, because I knew I am much more than my conditions.