I suffered my first ever job rejection today – a job that I had dreamed of having since the past four years.

The haunting rejection came through an e-mail and I knew what it was about before even opening it. However, I still had that glimmer of hope that just may be, it could entail good news. Well, spoiler, it wasn’t. Thus, I went through stages of coping to this rejection that felt no different from getting dumped (probably worse).

Denial

My heart was in denial for the first hour. You see, I have had my fair share of failures in these four years. Yet I strongly believed that something’s better in store for me and may be this job was it. So, a slap on the face by this too made me question my fate. This can’t be happening again? This was supposed to be the start of a new chapter of my life. And, denial leads you to do stupid things. For example, you read the e-mail over and over again hoping that the words have changed. Or you sleep in the hopes that this was all a dream.

But of course, nothing helped.

Denial was followed by the pretend stage. I said to myself, ‘You’re absolutely fine and it’s not the end of the world’. I was temporarily convinced to be honest. I joked around with friends about the series of events that led to the rejection itself. My friends kept saying encouraging words and how it’s ‘just’ a job. My friends are the nicest except the thought of them talking and pitying me behind my back drove me insecure. It was common practice but I was new to coming in terms with being labelled as a job reject.

Anger

What followed next was rage on everything in sight. However, I had a pretty good solution for it. I knew I had to channel it where I could let it out. So, I went to the gym and took up higher weights than usual and got some endorphins running. Until the song ‘Wrecking Ball’ by Miley Cyrus was playing on the TV and my insides churned at the similarity of the song with my situation. I never liked Miley Cyrus in the first place.

Self-doubt

Self-doubt was pretty quick to sneak in after some time. This one by far is the most crippling. As I reflected on what could I have done wrong, my capabilities and future became a big question mark. It was time to look at other employment opportunities and not be hooked on just the dream job that failed.

Honestly, this feels like being lost in a new country with no maps. This feeling pretty much, plainly sucks.

So I did, what I usually do in times of lower self-esteem. I went to my parents fearing that it could backfire and I might leave with an even bigger heartbreak and pain of disappointing my them. Luckily, it didn’t. Don’t be mistaken because my parents are the typical Bengali parents who will poke you with frequent comments about how you failed at doing something. But this time, they knew I have disappointed myself much more than I could disappoint them and I was already on the edge. So, it was heart-warming how they knew the right words to say (and the right things to feed to cheer up a sad old me).

Acceptance

Therefore, I write this with my light heart, full of optimism as I am moving to my final stage – acceptance. Rejections are unfortunate points in life that acts as necessary ways of guidance to the ultimate goal. As I look back, I really did give my all in the assessment for the job. May be it wasn’t my lack of capabilities but the nature of job that might have been unfit for me. There isn’t much to be done other than accepting the apparent failure as a building block of my life.

As Lisa Kudrow once said in a fantastic speech ‘It’s not supposed to be easy. You’re supposed to have moments of uncertainty, about which path to take, because the twenties are full of crossroads. But when one door closes another door always opens. And that’s what I tell myself to keep those moments of doubt, only moments.’

It is probably a cliché advice on life but this has helped me get this far. And in all honesty, every failure I had in the past four years led me to do some things greater and more important than the cumulative failures for which I am eternally grateful for.

Good thing is that dreams can change and success can be redefined. It’s time to have new ones, I guess.

The television’s playing Titanium by Sia now. I can feel the rush of positive outlook pouring in my insides. No wonder I love Sia.